Sam’s Bitch List

1. Lets get all the generics out of the way: Society, work, neighbors, the IStubbedMyToeRightAwayInTheMorningDon’tYouHateThat blablah etc. Ok, moving on.

2. If you call me, and you’re talking to someone else when I answer, I will hang up on you.

3. “Yes, Pandora, I am still listening. I am always. still. listening.”

4. I have this thing with skin; I don’t like it to be stretched. Weird? Whatever. But for some reason, everyone comes up with the brilliant and, might I add, hilarious idea to stretch it… Uh, did I just say I liked my skin to be stretched? No. I really hate it.

5.  Don’t get mad at me if I spill my beer on you. You’re in the front row of a rock concert. “Here’s the number to this doctor, he gives out prescriptions for the best chill pills.”

6. When people don’t hold the door for people behind them. #SmallTownPerk

7. Waking up from nightmares. Here’s what happens: I jolt awake, but am far too terrified to move. I look around to make sure nothing scary from my dream is in my room. The whole time, I’m drearily thinking things like: “My body is tingling. Why is my body tingling? How can something from my subconscious produce something so physical? Is it all in my head? No, I can feel it.” What I’m feeling is every single hair on my body standing on end. I don’t care for it.

8. We’re all thinking it, I’m just saying it. People on facebook. And I’ll leave it at that.

9. Uncleanliness.

10. Here’s where you get to know me. It’s a two-parter. Part One: I over analyze. I love sociology, psychology, and people watching! You plop me down in the corner of a bar, and I’ll tell you why he’s sitting the way he’s sitting, or why she said what she did, or what she’s going to do now that she did that. I eat that shiz up. Part Two: Because of this, I can’t let go of times that I could have handled differently. Circumstances where it would have been hysterical if I had said this, I could have shown my true colors and stormed off, I feel really bad for saying that, I wish I could have thrown one last “punch” in an argument. Even times where I couldn’t have done anything differently, I was just uncomfortable. I pick at it and pick at it until time eventually takes care of itself. #BittersweetSymphony